Honesty: My light has gone out.
I’ve always viewed parents, mothers especially, as lighthouses. We are always there. A port in the storm. A light to follow when all else failed.
My light has gone out.
I’m not sure how. And I’m not sure when. But it’s gone dark.
Physically, I am here for my babies. Mentally…Emotionally…Psychologically I am gone. My light is out. They are lost at sea and I am struggling to find the energy to keep going for myself; nevermind to bring them safely into harbor.
I hate it. I am not the mother I always envisioned myself. As a child and a teenager I knew I would be a mother. I knew I would have many children and love them all. I never once thought or felt that that his how my life would turn out. Me, a mother without patience. A mother without the support team she so desperately needs. A mother without a guardian angel. Without a God who answers her prayers.
As a child, a teenager, I envisioned myself the mother of fairy tails. I was going to be a member of The June Clever’s of the world. I would have dinner on the table, on time. I would sit down with the Boys after finishing the dinner dishes and help them with their homework. Then it would be off to bath and shower time. Then off off to bed. Every night, the same routine. I envisioned myself as one of those mothers you see on television. The mothers who adopt numrous special needs childrens and never seem to lose their patience or get over-whelmed. I thought I would be one of those mothers.
Currently, none of that happens. We don’t have a routine. Despite the fact that my Boys are Autistic, we don’t have a routine. Gavin does his homework himself; asking for help when he needs it. The only consistent part of the routine is bed time. Everyone goes to bed at the same time every night – Emmett John at 6:30-7pm and Elliott Richard and Gavin are in bed at 7:30-8pm.
I am not one of those mothers. I do not belong to The June Clevers Club of mothers. Patience is not my virtue. I lack it. In spades. Then for God to bless me with 3 Autistic Boys requires patience I simply do not now, nor am I likely to ever possess.
I find myself at a point in this post, where I don’t know what else to say. I’m disengaged, over-whlemed, and completely out of patience. I’m nowhere near the mother I wish I were. I’m angry. I yell and lose my temper more than I would like.
I don’t enjoy my joy “job” like I used to either. All because my light went out.
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We may not share the same frustrations but alas my friend, we are at similar junctions once again. Know that I will forever be here to support you- even if it's only pulling you along to my (also) sub- June cleaver par
I love you Lizze. That is all. Big hugs.
Lizze I applaud your honesty and courage. I know you feel this way but that's not how I see it. You view life through the eyes of pain and trauma. Both of which you experience in spades. Our lives are not easy and I don't EVER foresee that changing. The one thing that has remained constant through the 10 years we have been together is your steadfast devotion to our family. Things are bad right now there is no other way to put it. However, I don't think your light has gone out. I see it from time to time. I think the storm we are living through has become so overwhelming that it feels like all the light is gone. However, when the storm is at it's worst and I feel to "Lost and Tired" all I have to do is look over and I can see your light through the fog. It has NEVER failed me.
Right now you are living through things most people won't experience in a lifetime. You compare your weaknesses to everyone else's strengths and that's not fair. Despite how you feel (and I completely respect how you feel cause I know how tough it was for you to write this) right now you are still the strongest person I have ever known. While I may be in a better position to work with the kids right now it was very clear to me how much you impact this family when you were gone for a few days. I was completely lost without your light to guide me. I realized just how much you do and how big a role you still play in this special needs family's survival.
You do more for our family while dealing with all the extreme amounts of pain your in each day then many others mothers do on their best days. It's just hard for you to see that right now. Just trust that we will get through this together. I am here whether you see me or not. I love you. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I have so much love and respect for you.
Love,
ROb
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This is Great. Much Appreciated.